2007-04-02 - 1:55 PM

i increased my antidepressant to 20 mg.. i had just been taking half a pill for the last few weeks. from what i felt yesterday, i think it's time to take a full pill for a while. i can not allow myself to continue thinking about death as an option. it is too tempting a peace to dwell there.. when i am grieving...
i want to be here for what comes next.
no matter how easy it would be to just slip beneath the smooth black surface.
life and hope still calls to me here..

my thoughts on waking this morning... focus on today.. make a plan for today... don't look beyond that...
so every time my mind wants to wonder to that dark uncertain future. i pull myself back ... one day at a time.. i think i can handle that.

the clouds are floating by and the tree boughs are waving at me. up and down they billow. the clouds seem to be in a hurry to go somewhere.
chirp chirp peep peep paPA paPA caw caw
the birds are singing a symphony to me out my open studio window. i have my sorrel horse in watercolor before me beginning to take shape. the fresh air blowing softly in my window nearby
i sit with pencil in hand writing this on my sketch pad paper. i just wanted to tell you i am ok and peaceful working in this moment.
as i focus on the moment .. this moment and nothing else
the pencil in my hand and my brushes waiting on me.
a pallet of greens and browns close by
a piece of cheesecloth waded up with paint on it that i use for dabbing spots of grass.
a big black fly dancing on the window inside.. i wonder when he got in.
i look at my hummingbird feeder hanging in Fawn's tree just outside the window
waiting on the hummingbirds that i have not seen yet.
in this moment i am content... not happy...
but contentment will do for now.
caw caw caw caw crow talks to me
paPA paPa chirp chirp chirp
my roses have new leaves
my art tables are wonderfully messy.
i have paint on my fingers

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