2007-01-10 - 11:24 AM

home again... and its January.. the month of new beginnings of resolutions and change. this is where i usually say
ba humbug..... instead of at Christmas.
i loath all the January talk of .. losing weight and working out
of making this or that life altering change.

but you can't help feeling the compulsion to stop and reflect....

i usually find myself reviewing the past year and seeing if i am on track to where i want to go and who i want to be.
then i take time to look into the huge abyss of my bucket of squirming earth worms digging in dirt. this dark bucket i continue to carry around with me, full of all the whys?
at all the ends
of all the unanswered and unasked questions
squirming around in my bucket.
wondering about my writing and my art
wondering about my path
the questions about my faith and my life style choices
on being celibate and not dating

i take off the lid and look down in there and then hurry to close the lid again. wondering to myself should i just drop the bucket and walk away without it
yet, it's an old friend..
old fears are comfortable and familiar
fear sometimes is a good thing.. to make us question
and not be so naive

i don't want to get my hands dirty digging in the dirt-worms..
but i still drag my bucket around with me.
i think i take pleasure in taking it out to torment myself now and then..holding each doubt and question up to the light to see if i see anything new or to see if my faith in him still holds the doubts away.
and for some reason it still does.
am i a foolish woman... maybe...
for i have shut out all those voices that speak doubt and fear
holding onto this trust .. .like a small spring flower in a child's hand
hope... i have hope..i have trust
and where hope and trust are... love abides

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