2006-11-05 - 12:07 PM

i wasn't going to write an entry today. that loneliness yesterday has turned into a full-blown depression today. i have tried to fight it with busy work. but when i am still, it comes bursting forth like a dam breaking. so i cry a bit and then i go do something. all the old tapes are playing as though someone turned them up full blast in my head. the voices that say.. i'm ugly and i'm stupid and worthless. the ones that tell me i have no talent and ask me why i'm sitting at home not working. telling me, i have no worth as a writer. no worth as a human.. the voices are so loud and i can't seem to turn them down today. my throat is tight and i keep fighting my tears. then when i begin to release them, another voice tells me how weak i am.

i think i've overcome it all and then a day comes like today and i wonder if it's a house of cards i've built.

i take deep breaths and i know i need to go do that boundary setting meditation my therapist taught me. somehow, i have let back in all those old voices. i need to find the root of why i let them back in. once i do then they will dissipate like so much fog in the sun. i have not tried to find out why .. i think i'm afraid of what is there...something i don't want to let go of yet... something i don't have peace with yet. some fear that is stirring the dark waters.

blaaaa... i hate processing..

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