2006-10-03 - 2:02 PM

judging ourselves.... what a harsh mistress and critic i am of only one..my belief that we should judge ourselves before we judge others. i have that fine tuned to a great art. where i almost revel in my own judgments. when shall i be satisfied with my own reflection.
never probably.
oh i am content in many things now. much less my own critic than i used to be. loving this person i am so much more and without guilt.

having it drilled into me that pride was evil... well, no one distinguished to me the difference between pride and self worth. so i thought them one in the same. it has taken me a long long time to learn they are different.

so what do i want for myself....

as someone recently reminded me so gently..i want to stand in my true being .. without any shade of deception or dishonesty. nothing hidden from the world or from myself. standing in my own truth. with no apologies , all regrets forgiven

being this person i am fully.

without exception , even with my family. i am almost there... very little is hidden anymore. and only really from my family. thinking of what christ said about a prophet not being accepted in his own home. still hesitating and still wondering if there will be acceptance there for certain things. but i move forward anyway, slowly within my own persistence and protection. step by step i fold back the layers exploring the depth of my own soul and my,own true self. somethings are ugly and i stop to purge that and wash that spot. sometimes i have to just go hold myself for a few days .. urging that forgiveness i never have given myself for those faults i find.

but my goal is clear to me... those visions that i see of myself and my art... my writing... not that i will be famous or rich. but the vision of my own happiness .. my long long hair all gray my face content and glowing in my wrinkles and my imperfections. my hands and apron covered in clay or paint and the walls covered with art..

yes there are other visions but those are still shadows .. nothing but flashes of bits of possibilities..the only thing i have complete control over is who i become...and so that is my path.. no other... i seek nothing but to know myself and what a relief that seems to be.. letting go of all that i have no control over..

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