2006-09-14 - 10:21 AM

i began that watercolor of the red black sunset last night.

i can't begin to explain how good my house feels , what a safe and peaceful place it has become. i don't hear those echos of painful times anymore or see those visions replaying in the halls or rooms. its almost as if those things happened somewhere else. the quietness is like a balm on my soul. the fears and anxiety of being alone were vanquished long ago. a sweet happiness in myself has taken their place. oh its not to say i don't have hours of yearning
or tears, but gone are the long days and nights, weeks even, of never-ending darkness. i can't say I've ever had such a deep contentment for so long

moments of doubt, yes...still there
moments of self abuse, yes.. still there.
but those don't seem to last too long

there is this really strong woman i know very well now.. shes always been there inside and she talks to me now in those moments .. pulling that shadow me forward and into the light. she nurtures me and loves me.. she is myself of course..
but i never let her comfort me in the old days. oh she would comfort the world before she would hold her own self. living such a martyrs role in denying any good feelings concerning herself. believing that to debase oneself is some path to sainthood .. where did she learn such shit. its only in loving ourselves that we find that true contentment.

knowing that no one can make you feel inferior without your own consent.

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