2006-09-12 - 12:00 PM

as much as i just want to write today
i have to spend some time sorting things out in the garage
there is a burning desire in me to let go of the past
as i have been sorting the house room by room letting go of pieces here and there. it feels cleansing to do this.
the garage the last bastion of held treasures .. boxes and boxes of my sons and water dragons things. the past months waffling back and forth about selling them or donating them. i have sat confused on the issue till today.. i wake up and its so crystal to me that it doesn't matter.
how i have tossed and turned over such a pointless thing.
my son doesn't care and has told me so... and water dragon i know now doesn't care anymore. its only for fawn that i need to sort and think of what she might want to treasure of her dads.
I'm going to make her a quilt this winter of some of his cloths.
i found the backpack of his i had kept in the bottom of my closet, things from his last days... the shirt he had worn never washed
the nightshirt he wore last.. never washed.. his cologne and deodorant
i did like to hold them to me once in a while and smell them. having waves of memories and then feel his arms around me..a bit of comfort in the despair of grief....... its been a long long time since I've even thought of doing that. and as i sorted it all out a few weeks ago.. i picked up his shirt and smelled it... no feelings came.. no great yearning came.. no tears... just a faint sadness for something lost.
i realized the great pain truly gone now.

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