2006-09-09 - 10:18 AM

dear lion,

i woke up thinking about fawn and her becoming a woman. the high tea that we plan to have... i want it to be a celebration of her womanhood. so i keep pondering how best to do that for her.. to keep it within her personality and not mine .. to make it beautiful and something she will remember.so i lay there thinking and thinking... finally came to the computer where i really do my best thinking... i began to search online for ceremonies.. i find nothing really that fits her and us... there are Indian ceremonies and goddess ceremonies... i did find something called a red ceremony but i don't know.. some are just ridiculous and too way out there for me or her. so i will have to write my own... i will write out what it means to me to be a woman and about the gift of virginity.. the special passage she is on... i think i will include some goddess and Indian thoughts and some passages from the bible... i printed out some sites that said things i connected with....

we did have it planned for Sunday night... but she had a sore throat last night and went to bed early.. and i think i want to make a trip to manitou and wonder around in the shops .. they have many metaphysical shops there.i think i might find some ideas that way too.. i can't afford to buy to much but there are some ideas coming to me that i think will make it meaningful.

i took some pictures of myself for you. its so hard to take photos of myself the way i see myself is so often not what the camera sees. i feel beautiful and i am beautiful.. but i know most of my beauty is beneath my skin... i wonder at the things you see there. i wonder at your wonderment over the men i have known. no one has ever made me feel more beautiful than you.

i have always just accepted this body i am in as nothing special. since no one ever spoke of me in those ways before. its only been since i began walking this road to healing that i have seen myself as beautiful... even when i was young i never saw myself as that.. no one ever cooed over my looks... maybe when i was a baby..but you always seem so surprised at that... that no one ever told me the things you do... but i do speak the truth about it... none of my husbands ever spoke of me that way.. people didn't say, oh isn't she pretty.. they always just said .. oh isn't she nice... or isn't she sweet... men never commented on my looks in any positive form.. none telling me anything about me was beautiful in any way.. i have gone my whole life believing my body to be very plain... very ordinary... nothing special.. except inside... i knew something... felt something... i knew inside i was unique and different... inside i was beautiful...

in the years since i heard the drums calling me... as i have felt the pieces of me coming back together... as i have opened my eyes to look inward and outward of myself .. i see myself more clearly than i ever have... now i see through my own eyes and not through the eyes of others... not through the eyes of my mother or dad .. or through the eyes of my husbands... but through my own..and i see myself in past lives and clearly finally in this present one. i see my own beauty .. where i once saw only my own doubts and my own impression clouded with the negative visions always seen in the eyes of those who said they loved me...finally i love myself... i love my stomach that looks like the earth mother.. finally i love my wrinkles and my birthmarks... i love my many scars... and even these tear drop breasts .. i love these now... how ashamed i used to be of them... believing the cruel words spoken to me about them by cruel men...

and you dear lion... your words most precious of all.. bring me to see myself in all the beauty that is the mother .. the goddess or god or who ever he or she is... i am her and i am me... and we are beautiful. i don't know how to explain how much knowing you has changed my perception of myself... it is like the last step in some long metamorphosis like you took my hand and walked me into this new place...

what i feel for you has nothing to do with your physical form. its something else altogether and i grasp for words to write about what i feel inside... its like there are no words to speak it..i search and search for them .. and write about your neck and the soft places i wish to touch... but that is only just a visual image of something so deep that i can't put words to what is there.

how i feel.. is so wordless.... nothing speaks of it except maybe tears... i don't know.. even that doesn't hold the whole of it.

is it how you see me... yes that's a part...
is it how erotic i feel about you... yes that's part
is it the things i felt those nights when our spirits touched.. yes that's part too.
but there is much more... something from the past too .. very elusive but
i see bits and pieces of that too.
but no those things are not all ..
there is an overwhelming desire to smooth out your pain.. to wrap you up in this caring that billows and flows around me like early morning mist clinging to everything..

i feel like a deep lake and you're this figure dancing on my banks. dancing all around my edges... i feel a toe dip in now and then. your hands reaching in to taste the water.. but then your off again dancing in the distance.. and I'm left here.. this deep lake just waiting.. for you to come back for another drink.

your, minet

�

�