2006-06-16 - 6:18 AM

the funeral will be sunday afternoon.
at dads church. then monday we are driving to bury her in the grave she already bought next to grandma and grandpa. my son will go with us and we will rent a trailer to bring back the heavy things while he and i are here to do it for my folks. then come back here on tuesday and there will be plenty of folks to help unload things on this end. i will stay here to go back one other time to help clean out her apartment.
dad is doing pretty well, though he breaks down often. i went to the funeral home to make sure that she was dressed and fixed the way dad wanted her. he was going to do it and i asked him to let me. he didn't put up much disagreement to that so im glad i did it for him.

im glad she didn't have to suffer any more with a long slow death as most cancer patients do. she had suffered enough. i regret not writing her more. many regrets coming to float over me concerning her. i wish i had sent her more photos and letters. i wish i had called her more. she had grown ever more withdrawn over the last 10 years and i let that make me more withdrawn. how easy it is to let that happen. how easy it is to just be silent.

When I was a teen, she spent a lot of time with me. She would take me shopping and buy me the nicest things. During that time she lived in a huge beautiful house that was decorated in Japanese decor. She always looked so glamorous and reminded me of those movie stars in the 40's and 50's. She would invite me to spend the night at her house sometimes and we would sit and talk like sisters telling secrets and sharing beauty hints. She taught me some cooking but mostly taught me about being a lady. She defined the word "class". She reminded me of Katharine Hepburn, so independent and self-confident, speaking her mind and letting the chips fall where they may. Though she projected an image of being sharp as a nail she was actually very tenderhearted.

she never wanted to be a burden or to put anyone out in any way. she always just wanted to take care of herself. she let me see that a woman could do that. it wasn't till much later that i realized a lot of her was consumed with fear instead of strength. fears that she kept secret not wanting anyone to see her weakness. i think we mistook her withdrawl as not wanting to see anyone rather than in reality maybe she didn't want anyone to know about the cancer. i suspect that she
did know and let it take her. why i don't think we will ever know for sure. just that it goes back to her not wanting to burden anyone. and that breaks my heart even more

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