2006-05-28 - 7:52 AM

i read the news or watch tv news to keep up with world events. i don't want to be stupid or ignorant but i do have to limit the exposure. i just can't watch or read it much.. im too sensitive really to hear it all. i sit and weep a lot of times. i read news online thinking just to read it won't be as emotional as watching the news broadcasts but it still effects me.

so i sit here this morning with tears reading about the earthquake ... reading about the man who threw his two small boys off a balcony and then jumped himself. the boys only 5 and 8 their last moments in life so fearful... im sure angels came to carry them to heaven. poor babies.. it rips out my heart to read such cruelty.. and i know but for luck or timing or fate.. there i would be..

i have stood looking into the eyes
of evil that close and im still alive. my son still lives.. how many times i sat shaking wondering if it was my time to die. wondering what my sons life would be like left alone with that man. i prayed for god to keep me alive for that one thing.. to protect my son.

its the most horrid thing to see evil in the face of one that can also speak love to you. to watch the face change from a loved one to a demon .. to never know what each day will bring.to never know what thing will set them off or lead them to the next drink. its a terrible way to live. caught up in that trap of deception and lies .. fear and love.. i will never again allow myself to be caught up in that place.

those memories still lurk under the still water... and bubble up in small bits when i link myself to others pain. those boys falling in fear to their deaths. bring up internal images of a gun in my face... a finger stiff in my chest..a voice spitting out cruel things... a push down the stairs... a chair flying across the room to hit a wall inches from my head... fists pounding against my back and head... the feel of blade to throat, laying so still with no breath waiting to die...
nightmares of real origin.. with real images..

no wonder for the year after i left
my nighttimes were filled with horrid dreams of him chasing me. cornering me with knife in hand. waking up shaking , sweating, crying.. laying in bed for days unable to move or do anything but cry.

now i live with a sensitivity to any violence ..any cruelty.. no wonder i live so quietly holding my peace to myself like safe blankets. safe blankets that children hold up over their heads being fully confident the evil things under the bed can never get through. my safe blankets i know are just an illusion. that any time that evil could break through them and find me vulnerable again. yet i cling to my peace and pray for more peace.. pray for love .. pray for hope .. pray for safety...

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