2006-05-22 - 8:45 AM

An emotional trigger is anything that takes you back directly to your pain. It's not just the act of remembering. It's when some emotional response is uncontrollably brought up. like irrational anger or unbidden tears� shaking or panic attacks. Triggers are not just memories that come now and then. trigger implies like a gun trigger.. something that sets off an explosive reaction.

Those listed in the previous entry are obvious ones. but some are not always so clear. When I feel emotional about something irrational.. I stop and study it .. hold it close and examine it.. Sometimes it takes a while but I do eventually find the link to some trauma in my past.

with ptsd I find that my emotional responses are larger . It's like having the volume turned up too loud. .. Part of my healing is analyzing my emotional responses and actions. deciding if they are rational . looking to see where they come from and why. PTSD is like going around with your skin inside out. everything feels super sensitive and raw.

For months and months after my husband died I felt like I was on the verge of tears 24/7. A commercial on tv would set me to sobbing or the merest criticism or suggestion would feel like an attack. I remember trying to explain it to my son who had just said something that evoked a huge emotional reaction from me. I was sobbing and knew it was irrational but could not stop. It was hard on him and my daughter for a long while.

It's like knowing that you have your basket full of straws..and they are overflowing ..like every moment is your last straw.. last nerve. .. you are emotionally at the brink all day and night. any new stress or emotion can't be taken in.. There just isn't any more room for anything else. That's why I say it's like having your skin inside out.

if I hear others arguing or yelling..I will find that I am agitated and sweating.. my heart pounding. I might become irritable at my daughter standing nearby. when I realize what's really happening with me, then I can take measures to relieve it. deep breathing or just self talk.. saying this isn't about you. you're safe.. that's in the past. Just acknowledging it sometimes is all that's needed.

A feeling of rejection can take me down an old trigger path. even if the rejection isn't really one at all. just a perceived rejection. I can find myself wallowing in self-pity and depression wondering how I got there and wtf happened. I trace it back usually to something innocuous like an unreturned phone call or someone being too busy to meet me. but the origin is farther back.. its back to when i was a little girl and made to feel unimportant, insignificant,not good enough and ultimatly to the trauma of childhood sexual abuse where many of my emotional issues have roots.

My husband's death was like a tsunami rolling over me. It was the last thing my fragile insides could take. After all the years of abuse and all the years of illness and all the surgeries and betrayals ..cheating..lieing .. My insides erupted like a volcano that lay dormant for years; exposing my insides to the outside� that one thing washed over me and changed my landscape forever.

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