2006-05-21 - 9:21 AM

this is actually the second entry for today.. might want to go back and look at the columbines

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triggers... you learn about these in therapy. i still have a few, i think they might always be there.....some of mine are:

the smell of scotch but also about any hard liquor drunk in shots or on the rocks. mixed drinks don't seem to effect me.

a movie or news about abuse.

someone raising their voice at me.

sudden or loud noises

the sound or sight of an ambulance.

sitting in a left turning lane feeling the cars race by on the right.

a trigger might make me shake or quiver. it might bring tears. it might hold me frozen numb for a few minutes.

i remember my last husband sitting in his recliner drinking shots of something and me standing in the kitchen shaking, tears running down my face. he wasn't the alcoholic. but i had never seen him do that before. usually he only drank a little beer and mostly with friends. he came in the kitchen and i pleaded with him to stop. he could see how i was and so he put the glass down and hugged me. i just leaned against him and cried. he never did that again. i poured out that bottle.

i was hit from behind in a left turning lane waiting to make a turn. my car was pushed into the oncoming traffic and hit from all sides. the car totaled.
i was hit in the head from behind probably with parts from the back panel of glass. i had several large lumps there. was knocked unconcious. they said i had minor brain damage. no broken bones , just lots of bruises. for a long long time after that if i had to sit in a left turn lane i would quiver and blink back tears. i wanted to stop driving, but i would not let myself do that. i hate being dependant. now i am mostly ok with it. once in a while when a huge truck whips by i feel a twinge.

i can't bear arguments. i don't mind discussing anything and everything.... but you start raising your voice at me, i will start to cry. its uncontrolable at this point still. after spending close to 20 years living with men with anger issues. i don't expect this trigger will go away any time soon.

i can't watch movies about abuse. i will just sit there and shake. i keep telling myself its just a movie. but it is just too real for me to take as entertainment.

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