2006-05-12 - 8:24 AM

pastel columbines taken from another photo of swimmers.

trust is a very tender plant

this weekend being mothers day has me thinking about my mother .. my daughter.. my grandmother... and me.
the women in my family. im not sure where my mind is going with it so i won't try to put it into words yet.



while i was picking out a card to send to my mother i found one that said "my friend and mother" it made my throat get tight so i knew that was the one.
funny how you can shuffle through card after card of mushy sentiment and feel nothing and then that one card hits you. lots of times in the past i never found that one so i ended up making my own.



my mother in laws card was harder to pick and always seems to be like that. those relationships seem to be particularly challenging. she is like a mother to me but its not like my relationship with my own mother. i do keep my distance from her. i think she would like to be closer sometimes but there is a lack of trust that prevents that from happening. simply put.. i don't trust her. i wish i could.. but i don't. before my husband died things were very strained. every problem between him and i put distance between her and i regardless if it had to do with her or not. her affection for me was fickle. conditional. one day i might feel close to her and share things and then the next she would be attacking me because of some lie he told her about me. its very very sad but we all get along so much better since he is gone. he played everyone against each other. but even now i still hold back with her.. he has us all still held in that same dance of mistrust. though i am struggling to change .. change comes hard.
trust is a very tender plant to cultivate.

those thoughts always lead to asking the same question.. why?
why did he lie , why did he cheat,
why did he do the things he did?
his family has a hard time with it all.
to them he was the baby brother or boy that could do no wrong. they trusted every word he said until i came along.
i hate that i brought that knowing to the table for them. i guess that all leads to another entry some other time.

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