2006-04-14 - 11:37 AM

i'm one of those women who has a lot of baggage... oh i can hear you say .. noooo really and so i'll confirm it so you have no doubts.. yes i do. of course im being sarcastic if you don't already know.

i sometimes wonder what a person looks like that has no baggage and what does that mean anyway. is it someone that has no problems? is it someone that has no life experiences? is it someone that just walks through life unscathed?
is it just someone that has had an easy life? honestly i would not want to be with someone like that. what sort of wisdom would they have? what sort of person would that be..

i can only think of a child. an innocent child that has been loved
and protected. hidden away from life.

not even my daughter can be called someone without baggage.. at 11 she has seen way too much. death, violence,anger,cheating.

for a few months in 2003 i found myself online .. searching for someone to date. too soon after my husbands death..but i was lonely..needy..
without a man in my life for the first time in over 30 years. i had gone from one relationship right into another. over and over. and there i was trying to do the same thing again.

but thats when i noticed the ads that said... NO BAGGAGE... and i wonder still how a person can be without baggage... and what kind of person wants a person without baggage.

im glad i really only dated one man during that time. the one my therapist called "the body" i call him caribou. if you want to go back and read about him.. but it was a short lived physical thing that in some ways was good for me. im glad i chose not to follow that same pattern. not to fall into the same path i had always chosen.

its been good for me to be alone.
to work through therapy and come out the other side. standing on my own.

now i can just let those hidden thoughts out and let the anger out
rant about things that ive kept inside for a long time.

whether or not anyone likes reading about my baggage or not really isn't the point of it all. its for my own wellness that i purge and make these things visible. so i can see where i have come from and how far ive come and where im going. it seems to solidify that part of me that was hidden in darkness. the anger i don't tell anyone about. the hurt and pain i only take out and look at once in a while.
it feels good to vent to something else other than my therapist.

i know ill never be one without baggage and i don't really care that i am not. i don't believe i would want to be with someone who would want someone without baggage.

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