2006-04-14 - 8:16 AM

this july it will be 3 years since my husband died. it took me 7 months before i could move his things out of the closet and into a wardrobe box. some things i put in a small box in a closet. a month ago i finally gave his shoes to charity.

i remember people wanting to help me sort his stuff just a month after his death. i don't know how many times i had to say .. no.

i went to a group therapy class about grief in that october. i think it was too soon .. i dropped out when they for some reason were pressing me to say.. hes dead... its not like i didn't know that.. its just that ive never liked being pressured or pushed into anything... it sets up this mode in me with my fingers digging into the ground. i refused to say it to please them or to pretend i was moving on or just go along with the program.

i received more comfort and help from my therapist than from any church or any of their stupid grief programs.
it just sounded like a bunch of trite overused BS to me at that stage. i didn't fit any of their norms anyway. i wasn't in a state of memorializing my lost one.. everyone else seemed to look at their lost one in this rosey beautiful sad loving way... i just wanted to yank his ass up out of that grave and yell at him for leaving me in such a state... not knowing why and having to deal with his family and their hurtful mistrust of me. all caused by him and his lies all related to his guilt about having the affair.. either to misdirect attention away from himself or to soothe his own reasons why he did it.. but i refused to make him into some dead hero that he wasn't.
and so i didn't do well in that group.

i had to learn to deal with these feelings on my own mostly. my therapist was there to listen and help me work through the trauma. but most of it was just myself working through these mixed up feelings of love and hate. im still working through them 3 years later.

ive wept over that part of him that i loved and miss. ive ranted at that part of him that hurt me. i still can not reconcile the two sides to him. how a person could be so gentle and loving and yet lie and cheat and manipulate everyone around him.

trust is not something that comes very easy for me these days.

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