2006-04-12 - 2:48 PM

so many thoughts breaking down the gray walls of my brain wanting to be heard.

i sort old cloths ive kept for many years wondering at why i kept them.
i think maybe a small hope that i would be that size again but they are strange looking cloths 30 years later. nothing i would wear now. too young looking or too much a style thats never coming back (thank god). i pulled them out when i realized my daughter is that size and im stuned once again to see myself from a new perspective. i see a young girl beautiful and thin. who i truly believe now had that body dysmorphic disorder. i look at pictures and see bone thin legs and arms and i remember how i looked in the mirror and saw a huge body looking back. the shame and torture i felt internally.

i open old boxes i have not looked in for many years. fondly holding something i wore in high school feeling the memories around each scrap of fabric come rushing over me. i have set aside a box to put a few things in i will keep but im not allowing more than that one box. everything else will be purged.

i watch my daughters face looking at each thing with surprise either in horror that i would wear such a thing or seeing her face trying to imagine her mother in a mini skirt and knee high white boots. =)

so i have a growing pile of things im trying to decide if im going to sell on ebay as vintage cloths or just give to charity. i just don't know if i want to bother with the selling aspect.

and i have a whole wardrobe box full of my husbands things i have been unable to touch yet. but that will come in time.

this is much needed catharsis ...shedding
i feel the need to let go of many things. the physical is only the beginning of this purging.

�

�