2006-04-09 - 9:21 AM

ive been slipping in and out of depression the last few days. thinking about writing here and then holding back the dark thoughts ...not wanting anyone to see them. then realizing how stupid that is this morning. thats why i bother to keep this anonymous so i can be honest here.

funny when people call how i can pretend everything is ok. i hear my voice change and my voice saying im fine and all that small talk coming out and i hang up the phone and feel tears flowing down my face. why do i do that.
i want some connection. but i don't want their advice. i want someone to listen but i don't want to hear their trite canned words of comfort. i want to be loved but there are so few i trust.

ive been thinking of my husband . im still angry with him. i loved him and i hate him. i hate that he cheated on me. i hate that woman. i hate remembering his face as he spoke lies to me. how it looked as he told me i was paranoid for thinking certain things and then in the end finding out i was right. but i remember the lieing face expressions and that i knew inside. how much that still hurts amazes me. how i avoid going to the grave site because i might see flowers there that i dont know where they came from... which i have found before. roses from someone else that i end up throwing away and then there is all the anger that comes up after that. i wonder how she dares to leave them there for me to find. how its possible they are from someone else but i know they are not.

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