2006-03-26 - 10:23 AM

the why of fire dragon has many doors and some still unanswered questions in my mind.i know I've written bits and pieces of this ... some you will remember... i have heard over the years people ask me "why" often... its something no one understands until they live abuse. why one stays. its not always because a person is too weak to leave.. sometimes its because a person is too strong to give up.

to understand "the why" i chose to live with an alcoholic and abuser i have to go back to earth dragon and start from there................

earth dragon and i were close, mostly friends. i had no real thoughts of anything being wrong. though now looking back i see many things of course. we had fun together riding his motorcycles and flying in Cessna planes. he was a pilot..a dream i helped him and encouraged him to fulfill. working to pay for his lessons and being his biggest supporter. we had a simple and peaceful life. we never had fights. he had little patience for mechanical problems. i remember him throwing tools when things didn't work. nothing big though. he was mostly a kind man. though i was treated like an afterthought. our world revolved around his needs and him buying his "toys" and around church related events. then we went to a "marriage encounter" weekend for couples. it was supposed to bring us closer. it was there that he wrote me a long letter telling me about how he didn't want children. never wanted them. a fact that shook me to my core.. a fact that lead to me leaving. the event that triggered my turning away from the "christian" lifestyle, faith. his betrayal crushed my foundation.

within a year i was moved out , left everything we had accumulated together with him. left house, furniture, everything... i took only what i had taken into the marriage when i was 19 all of which fit into a rented bedroom.

i met fire dragon at work. he was brought in as sort of a foreman over a group of inspectors in the receiving inspection area of a major semiconductor manufacturer. i was one of the inspectors. at the time i was still married to earth dragon and a devout christian. church every sunday submissive wife. shy quiet unassuming. fire dragon was quite handsome at the time. dark hair and cold blue gray eyes. not tall but distinguished looking. dressed in slacks and button down shirt. he had this aura of confidence and worldliness. he didn't really notice me for a long while.

i was not a "fat" woman but i began to lose weight. mostly simply because i didn't have to cook for a man anymore. i went from weighing around 180 to 140.

all of a sudden men at work began smiling at me. it was a strange feeling.and of course fire dragon was one of them. all of a sudden i was going after work with the others to a cigar bar. drinking scotch on the rocks and smoking cigarettes and cigars with the bosses. wearing skirts and dresses .. high heels and stockings. dancing. this girl was swept into a different world than i had ever seen before.and fire dragon was in the middle of it all. with his cold gray eyes always looking at me as though he was trying to see in my soul. one night at the bar i had too much to drink he took me home with him. it was my first time with a man other than my husband... sex with earth dragon was maybe 15 min .. it was something that i just didn't think much about.. the first night with fire dragon.. sex was all night. in between small bits of somewhat sleep and then more sex. the kind of sex that i had never seen before. it was like having a switch turned on that had been off. all of a sudden i felt sensual sexy and alive.. every fiber of my being altered. i questioned everything. fire dragon was right there answering my questions . creating new questions in my mind. at the same time he was letting me see his private hell too. he talked to me about his years in vietnam. i became his therapy .. his project... his confidant... his obsession.. his Pygmalion.........i was the center of his world....

i felt truly needed for the first time in my life. i saw him as my great love my passion and my teacher. i thought my love would heal him. he let me see his pain and his darkness. no one had ever shared that part of themselves with me before.. we talked about everything at length .. every topic he made me feel special and sensual. of course i didn't see these things as they would become... the obsession and domination .. the controlling
all turned into something quite evil later. then i just felt folded into some private world i had never seen before.

he chose my cloths and make up and told me how to behave ..we moved into the mountains and my association with family and friends was limited and controlled by him. sex became long events that i learned to endure. learned to pretend. i didn't realize that he actually had a problem coming to climax and all the long sessions were really to help him get to that place. it took a lot to get him there. long hours of foreplay. hours of watching me perform for him.hours of him using toys on me. it was exhausting and as time went by i realized it was demeaning. i was just another toy ... much of it was painful. not that he was into bondage or pain.. but it was the hours of doing something i didn't really want to do or just being too tired to do more of over and over. being deprived of sleep and then having to work the next day. and as time went on.. he began to blame me for his inability to sometimes reach orgasm. it was of course him drinking too much that really was the problem. but he began to blame me for his drinking too. that's when things began to turn ugly. he turned from treating me as this special prized possession to a burden he had to bear. i was the reason for every failure and every problem. he began pushing me and sometimes throwing things at me from across the room. saying things just to make me cry. all of a sudden i was too fat .. too stupid.. too ugly... then one night he beat me. i left him after that... went to live for a year with my parents. eagle was about 3 or 4. during that time he would send me presents and letters call me.. he finally got to me when he claimed to have had a revelation from god. he was a changed man... told me he had stopped drinking.. was going to AA. i believed him.. i went home.. within a couple of months things were worse than they had ever been before.. then the incident with the gun happened.. he held a glock pistol to my head and made me beg for my life. he had me so afraid i didn't know what to do... then his health began to decline .. he had bouts of liquor poisoning when he would try to sober up and he would hallucinate. he became so weak i had to help him from bed to bathroom. he became very thin and honestly i thought he was going to die. he had been fired from his long term job .. bought a liquor store which was his final downward spiral.. i ended up working the full time job and at night going to run the liquor store till midnight. driving home up to the mountains to watch over him during the night when he shook and talked to people who were not there all night. i had to ask my mom to come help me.. she lived with us for several months.. many times we rushed him to the hospital . i remember begging him to commit himself to rehab or the VA hospital. finally he began to get better... we auctioned off the liquor store.. i gave him money to get his key license to work in the new casinos. he slowly was returning to be his old self again. i had some new hope... then he began to spend the night there instead of coming home .. like he used to do in the liquor store. he was drinking on the job and was fired and hired by almost every casino there. then there were the casino women.. i found a letter in my coat pocket once.. from one of them.. i know its weird but he used to wear that coat of mine sometimes. anyway he tried to tell me she had a fatal attraction for him.. that he had never been with her.. yada yada.. i remember sitting across from him at the dining room table and i told him.." I'm not that naive girl anymore.. don't tell me bullshit". he just smiled and sat there looking at me.. like he was proud of his creation.. it was so strange.. he finally said she meant nothing to him it was just sex .. that he loved me.. it wasn't long after that he began to be evil again.. every day i became more frightened .. sometimes he would sit on the couch at night holding a gun in his lap drinking.. i never knew if he was thinking of killing himself or of killing me.

finally something just snapped in me.. i found an apartment began packing stuff. i didn't care what he thought.. if he was going to kill me then let him do it ... i was going to leave.. and i did. he begged me to stay and then he just sat there watching me pack and leave.. within the year after i moved out.. one of the women he had been seeing at the casinos moved in.. they eventually married.. and had a baby. he joined the catholic church. had our marriage annulled so he could be a good caltholic. now hes on two antidepressants.. goes to the VA hospital for therapy and treatment.. he lost an eye in a fight with her ..which he now says was really caused by him falling into a dresser. hes on disability... stays home and takes care of their son. supposedly isn't drinking..

only looking back do i see how i was used . he is a liar and manipulator.i see his lies going way back to the beginning ... i don't think i ever really knew who he was. the stories he told of vietnam he now tells different things to our son. his whole life one big lie... and i....
im no longer that young girl anymore.

�

�