2006-01-21 - 11:34 AM

it snowed the other day almost 6 inches. everythings beautiful and virgin white. i really love the snow. esp now that i can just sit back and enjoy the loveliness of it. i never have to get out and drive very far. and something in me is rejoicing that i don't have a job to get up and go to. its very quiet this morning Yoshi is asleep on my bed and fawn still asleep on her top bunk. my house is a mess , ive neglected it for a while. piles of things here and there. the bare christmas tree that we never decorated is still up.

if you are wondering about yesterdays poem that happened almost 20 years ago but i was only able to write out the pain this year... healing sometimes takes a long time.

i keep thinking about that ultrasound wondering what it means if anything that there are two masses one on each side. everything i read online mostly talks about one nodule. i hate the waiting... waiting for tests results .. waiting for doctor visits waiting waiting waiting. its nothing like on tv where everything happens within the hour. this whole process will drag on and on for weeks and months. ahh well nothing to be done about it.. i just have to take some deep breaths and go on with life.

Fox's phone call helped me. i still feel in a fog and still fighting this depression but its like she reached in a pulled my head above the water again. these past couple of weeks were like riding emotional waves. up and down. i wonder what it will feel like to not have hormones racing through my body at lightning speed crashing around in my mind. do you have any idea how difficult it is to live like that.. exhausted and tired but wired and pacing the floor. wanting to sleep but too many thoughts banging into each other ..

writing has been my release and the only way ive held onto some peace. but most of the great artists and writers were insane or on the brink of it. this crazy world drives us to the edge most of the time.

but the truth is most of my life ive always believed in the good ... even though evil and awful things keep happening to me .. i cling to that small hopeful child in me that still has some magic left. focus on the good things she keeps telling me

the small things ... budding trees, flowers blooming where no one sees.. moss on one side of a tree... funny shaped mushrooms pink and with a wisp of a fairy sitting on top... fawn's eyes twinkling.. Yoshi's soft hair.. my mothers hug... my dads laugh... the feel of paint on my hands. a letter from lion... the sound of my sons fingers running over the strings. a new song on the radio that makes me feel happy or an old one that brings up clingy memories. the smell of baking bread and my mamaws wrinkled hands. the red dirt of Oklahoma and white topped mountains above my head. Turtle's smile and Raven's teasing .. tasting his home brew .. watching him smile at turtle.>so many good things i don't want to forget them

and don't you get lost in the evil that you feel out there.

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