2006-01-20 - 11:48 AM

Fox called me this morning. she said i had been heavy on her mind the last few days. we talked about energy healing. she reminded me to not give into the fear just as Lion told me the day i found out.

she said to focus on sending healing energy to my thyroid and listen to what my body is trying to say to me. she said blockages are places our body locks things in. i need to listen and give it a voice to tell me what it needs. she said for me to paint, that many times her body has spoken to her through the paint. so today I'm going to get out my paints and make a mess in the dining room. first i think i'll sage the house again and meditate.

i need to go to a place with water maybe mt princeton. ive had that place on my mind for a while. we will make a journey there very soon.

she said when i wrote her and asked to go on a retreat with her this year during the lunar standstill. that my words sparked her vision of the next retreat. she said she had been wanting for years to take a group to this remote canyon shes been hiking in before. recently she connected with someone that owns a ranch in a valley near this special canyon. she says there is a window in the canyon that is very powerful. the whole place is almost 2 hours down a dirt road and there is nothing down there but nature. she said the ranch has one cabin and a creek that runs next to it, lots of trees and wild animals, it sounds beautiful. plans are for sometime in may. i just don't know how my money will be then or if these medical expenses will eat up everything i have. i just don't know what is to come.

i know I'm just a baby spiritually. Lion and Fox so far ahead of me there is so much to learn and most of the time i feel so alone in my learning. but im not really. everytime i really need to hear a message one of them or someone contacts me and points me in the right direction.

it was warm to hear her sweet voice encouraging me. this morning i was feeling so alone and fearful. i even had thoughts that i would just be better off dead. everyone would be better off without me. its so easy to just slide down into that familiar darkness and let it fold over me. cold and void of any feelings. sometimes numb is a preferred choice to feeling so much emotion.

where am i going on this path. i wish i could see more clearly. i feel like I'm molting.. but its such a painful process not easy like a snake shedding skin, but like each piece being ripped away bit by bit. still alive and part of my body. each raw wound having to heal as the next one is ripped off.

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