2005-12-24 - 11:15 PM

on this night before christmas
i sit at my parents old computer in a small,small town in southwest oklahoma.
as we drove to town this morning there is cotton on the sides of the roads. i think the fields were plowed under recently. the radio news is full of "corn prices, cattle feed ads and pork bellies".
the wind was blowing so hard those blow up santas and snowmen were laying on the ground flapping.

i like coming home for the holidays.
my family is sweet and good to me.
we went to the candle light service
its a small church. i mean... the crowd was all of 20 people. it was a simple service.. no dancing jesus's or fancy music. just old people singing old songs that everyone knew the words to. one older lady cried a little .. i felt her grief like waves of tears floating back over the rows at me. no one told me her husband died.. but i knew it from her sob. maybe only another widow would know that sound.
it gave me a huge lump in my throat.
i tried to hold back the images of my husband but they just came anyway.
i blinked back the tears... im stubborn when i don't want to display my grief. so i didn't cry..
but when my mom was explaining later she didn't realize that i didn't need any.

at least this third christmas without him .. i can laugh and smile.
the world feels like its lighter.. better.. maybe this next year will be a happy one. im tired of all this sadness.

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