2005-11-24 - 8:51 AM

its cold here today.. sunny.. but im inside with my beloved tatty green sweater on and some soft black stirrup pants. fawn is always telling me i need a makeover. im all about comfort anything soft and silky. im just not a style goddess..

my plans for thanksgiving...
well fawn and i will be alone..
so i thought and thought and decided to buy all the stuff to cook and spend the day in the kitchen with fawn teaching her how to do everything.. i think spending the day cooking together will be fun.. then we will set the table with my grandmothers china and silver.. and even the crystal wine glasses.. she can drink grape juice and ill have some wine.. ill let her fix the table.. i think she will love doing that. then we will sit down together just her and i light some candles .. just a mother daughter day. we spent the day yesterday making pumpkin pies. thats her favorite thing in the whole world just about.

there will be no football or sports of any kind watched. there will be some parade watching this morning and after cooking and eating... there will be game playing.. or puzzle working
maybe some music.. prob some horrid boy band that fawn loves.. lol

its odd how things change after a partner passes. this is the third holiday season without him. the past few days ive caught fawn watching old family movies. i could hear her dads voice occasionally waft through the house. sometimes it would make me stop in whatever i was doing and get misty. i kept checking on her to see if she was crying...but she was just smiling and i guess remembering. so i let her. she asked me to come watch with her and i just told her i couldn't.. i knew if i sat there i would just fall into that dark place again. i don't want to right now.

things do change... the motivation for doing things is different. cooking holiday dinners is about what fawn loves and not about what he loves anymore. there is no sound of football or someone coming to hug you from behind asking when its going to be done. or sneaking into the fudge i made just for him without nuts.

time does not heal all wounds. it feels like to me that the pain is still there just under the surface waiting for some memory to yank it up. i think we just get used to the pain being there and it colors everything we do.
i think its different for other kinds of death. loss of a partner touches everything.. its someone that has lived day after day , night after night with you. not like a brother you might see once in a while or parent that you haven't lived with since you were 18. of course im not minimizing those losses i just think its different. you go to an empty bed instead of one shared . you wake up alone .. the choices you make are your own and there is no one else to consider really unless you have children. there are no parties to go to anymore.. since they are mostly for couples. still after all this time everyone is still uncomfortable with me and my aloneness.

well this has turned sad and i didn't know it was going to go that way. i read augustdreams nicoles diary of loss of her precious dog. hugs to you dear. i would be lost without my yoshi to fill the empty spot in bed and so much emotional comfort he give me.

well wishing all you warm and wonderful souls here happy thanksgiving.
treasure your time together today ... tomorrow isn't promised its only a possibility.

�

�