2005-11-03 - 11:59 PM

i spent several hours in the ER monday afternoon. dehydrated from intestinal symptoms. they hooked up an IV and gave me fluids.. im weak and shaky.. my neighbor drove me over there. then after he dropped me off and i was waiting in the hall. i wished i wasn't there.. its where my husband died. i sat just a few feet from the tiny room where the doctor told me he was dead. i spent a couple of hours sitting there.. forced to remember that day all over again. seeing myself as some shadow ghost walking that hall to the small room then walking to the room where his lifeless body lay.

then after the doctor examined me.. i was waiting for the nurse to write the prescription ...there was a young man in the next er room and he was ranting and raving about his life and how he hated his father and he wanted to die. ranting at the nurses.. at security.. i guess he was there because he tried to kill himself..

then all the violence of his voice , all the hurt ... pulled me back to that year before he died.. all the violent yelling and all the hurt between him and my son. my sons anger at his cheating on me.

remembering it broke me down.. i began to cry.. and about that time my neighbor came to ck on me. he pushed the curtain aside and caught me crying. i just looked up and said.. this is where he died.. and then the dam broke and i began to sob..he just came and put his arms around me. ive not felt a mans arms around me in so long. i just lost it even more.. i just sobbed on him..poor guy.. hes a nurse and works there.. i suppose hes used to comforting people. he took me home and then went to get my prescription filled for me.. he also took my daughter with his step daughter trick or treating that night.

i feel sad today.. sad and weak and shaky and dizzy. all that grief bubbling up again. sad then thinking about my mamaw.. they did the surgery on her monday morning. she has TCCA malignant bladder cancer. i already knew ... i knew the moment i heard about the mass. sometimes i just know things..

today i feel so raw and sad everything hurts.. all my insecurites and pain bubbling up to the surface

last night i talked to my dad on the phone for almost an hour. mom was at the hospital with mamaw and i guess he was lonely.. we talked about grief .. it was strange to talk to dad about emotions.. we don't do that. we talked about a lot of stuff.. seems the older my dad gets the more open he is. guess thats the way with age.. it does that to us.

while i was sick , i was trying to do some laundry..and my daughter wanted me to show her how to do it.... so i showed her all about the machines and what to do. then she proceeded to send me to bed and said she would take care of it... so i let her.. that day she did 5 loads of cloths all on her own. when they were done she would bring them to my bed and dump them there for me to fold . last night she told me that she wanted to do that all the time. she wants that to be her family chore... have you ever heard of a child just asking for a chore and happily doing it... honestly she is so surprising and sweet and giving.. shes only 10... i wonder what kind of woman she will become.

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