2005-08-21 - 11:05 am

my internal energy is flying, restless, different.just back from a retreat in crestone with Fox.somehow im different , altered physically.

on friday we hiked the mountain and then went to a hot springs... natural pools in pebbles a mountain stream flowing between the pools all down the mountain side.. i hiked to the top pool it was a very difficult hike , several times i almost gave up and was not sure i could make it.. then i was there.

and as i sat in the pool... all this emotion welled up in me i had been thinking as i climbed how tired i was of this illness how much i wanted to be well... how separate i had become from my body ... and i knew somehow this tumor had come from the stress of abuse ... as i lay back in the pool looking up into the blue evening sky i saw the bright spots of energy floating all around , like millions of tiny stars
and Fox laid beside me .. just us alone in this pool of energy and i began to cry ... letting go of the illness i had been holding onto like an old friend... it was like in a dream.. feeling myself enveloped in brilliant stars... feeling the stream take the sickness with it.. as it ran through my body. i could see my own aura around my fingers burning blue and purple... and the aura of the trees flaming around the edges of the pines ..

i was spontaneously healed of this female problem i have had for three months.. been to the doctor about and still had pain. these small cuts on my humm "flower"... after all kinds of ointments and nothing helping... im in this place one day and it disappears over night. and then the next day im laying in this pool and i know something has happened once again.. i feel different inside..

and driving home i put on my glasses to drive and it becomes blurry.. i take them off and realize that i can see better without them. but after being home .. i realize that my up close vision is worse..i can barely see the words to type this letter.. and i wonder how i will continue to write my book... im writing this by feel so i hope its not too messy to read... im not sure why spirit wants me to see better far away all of a sudden... im having difficulty writing and reading. im thinking a shift from my inner work to creating more in my studio. i don't know.. just wondering what this shift is about..

laying on my back in a meadow high in the mountains.
storm all around.. lighting crashing..drops of rain hitting my face... and there my beloveds face is in the clouds. looking down at me.. i don't know what it means..

ive been lifted up to some higher place.. but i still don't have any answers.. only just a peace that everything will be ok.. and i don't even know what ok is.

another odd thing... i began another female cycle there.i felt so close to mother earth.. like i was her... for a while. wrote this sitting by the creek...



bubbling churning life river
cascading foam lurching over rocks
cutting a path through musty earth me
hanging roots exposed
I'm bleached bark
moist green moss under my arms
terra cotta rocks shimmer with
plateaus of healing
arching fountains converge
under my fallen branches
whisking away mental debris
brown pillows of aspen leaves
sunlight glinting off pine needles
waiting for the wind
floating in the almost still breezes.

then when i get back home.. that friday.. i receive my first letter from him since november... and that weekend , last weekend" we exchange dozens of emails. talked on yahoo messenger for 3 hours sunday. exchanged photos again. it was wonderful ... hes been reading my emails , thinking about me, dreaming about me. i don't know what to think about it... he said we just had to walk our own paths in that solitude and bravery and learn what can only be learned alone.. hes recording his music.. sent me photos of him and the band in his new studio.. said he would write on the weekends but not during the week... so i am waiting and wondering if he will write me again this weekend..wondering about so many things..

last week while i was at the retreat.. saturn was leaving my sun sign moving into leo .. its been in my sign for 2 years... i don't know if that was part of the big shift or not... but something has happened to me. i feel different inside..

life is shifting..my studio is half way done.. electric wires hang waiting on the dry waller.outside is painted to match the house and the wood fence is stained. the new roof is on.. its green.. i love it.. its the color of trees and grass.

poetry just pours out of me.. at the slightest inspiration..and i have dreams about what im going to paint and create.it feels like i leaped off the mountain and im free falling..

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