2005-08-21 - 5:49 p.m.

we are like two leaves being pushed along by the wind.
sometimes touching , sometimes sitting on the ground together, sometimes dancing in the air near each other and then sometimes blown away from each other.

ive not heard from him since the last day of july.
but i felt him reading my daily letters the first couple weeks of aug..now hes not even reading them. i feel him though at times during the day.. his thoughts turn to me..sometimes at night i feel him laying next to me... if im crying, i hear him whisper" don't cry precious"

hes moving to a new place.. no internect connection for a while. also a trip to his ranch to bring in the hay. but he could call me.. but hes still afraid of what my voice does to him...

both of us still afraid of this thing we find ourselves inside..

i only felt something of this connection one other time in my life.. 15 years ago.. dearest OWL.. one summer together
and we are bonded as friends for life.. i only felt the threads with him for that summer and then they were cut. but we still write and talk.. when i left he said i was a pick axe in his heart.. even so we are still true friends and twin souls.. following different paths.. hes one of the few in the circle of loyalty i surround myself with.



a beautiful summer together.. he patched my wounds ...us running on the sand of mustang island naked. sleeping on the beach in that sandy tent. walking in the moonlight
dancing on the black water .. watching crabs scamper back and forth at the tent door peeking inside watching us caress each other. reading eecummings , drinking wine and taking black mollys so we would not sleep away the miniutes together.. running to the open showers on the beach to wash the sand out of our cracks and hair. making love on the top of his car the ocean wind blowing over our skin. eating fresh shrimp from the dock ... feeding the gulls .. driving his car up and down the empty beach watching the sand fly.
picking up shells.. fingers touching fingers warm smiles.
when we were apart i could feel when he was thinking about me ... the tiniest silk threads pulling between us....
why didn't i stay with him..... questions i no longer have the answer for.. why did i leave to go back to fire dragon
why did i give into his evil pull .. flowers and phone calls and begging.. crying for me to return.. empty promises.. empty lies... and then the big revelation that
he had some encounter with god.. he knew that would do it..
the biggest lie of all. and so i leave my OWL.. to follow that mountain path once again.. the mountain that took me down the path into darkness.. i knew even as i drove again to colorado the painful path i chose.. i knew even though i cared deeply for OWL.. he was not my path.. and he knew too i was not his.. we knew it was but a momentary touching of souls.. how i love him still. a precious friend.. always there for me..

and now i feel those same threads only 100 million times stronger.. with Coeur de Lion .. i thought i would never feel that again.. i never imagined there would be anything more powerful than that summer.. now i not only feel the pull of threads.. but i hear his whisper , i feel his hands on me in the night, i feel his voice in my head. i feel him cry.. im afraid of it all .. such powerful forces
that i have no control over.. such a deep profound.. yes ill use that trite word.. profound... connection..commitment...he is the one i will love till i die.. even if he chooses not to love me.. this is it for me.. how can i be with anyone else.. that is how my heart feels.. if not him then i will end my days walking my path alone.. not really alone in the circle .. but alone in my heart..

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