2006-10-13 - 4:45 PM

a migraine and some depression has set in today. the migraine has sent me to bed and sapped my strength to fight the depression.

so i have wallowed in my misery all day. letting the old tapes play over and over in my head. not fighting them off. sucking me deeper and deeper into its slimy jaws. and i just don't seem to care today.

depression... loss....fear
those things seem to blur into each other. my empty bed , my husbands nightshirt, my precious doggy clinging to life..listening to his cough through the night wondering if its his last breath, cking his still body in the mornings looking..watching to see that small movement that lets me know he still is alive. pondering that horrid fear that my mother will die next..
wondering how i will live without my dearest supporter and friend. lion so far away and silent. my aloneness all around me like silent walls closing in on me.
where is my strength today.. i don't know... im floundering in waves of loss and silence. the pain in my head blocking out any rational calls to normalicy today.

oh well.. back to bed.. to pray for some sleep.. maybe i will wake to clearer head and heart.

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