2006-07-27 - 10:44 AM

last night was one of those nights.when i toss and turn and question everything. when i wonder why once again i find myself giving love and yet there is no love for me.i wonder and i fear... will there be no more holding hands or kissing .. no more laying in bed next to anyone.i wonder how my heart can bear that coldness... this soft heart of mine that burns so warm.. feels hurt tonight.. and so i come to write you there is no one i would let see me like this.

there is such a heavy sadness pulling on me feels of that black depression that used to grip me so tight. trying to suck me down into its depths. i don't want to go there.. i keep talking to myself trying to fight it, but I've gone to tears and weeping .. and i found myself sitting on the edge of the bed .. doing nothing.. thinking nothing.. staring and realizing time passed.. that's not good.. i wonder do i need to call my therapist ...i haven't thought that in a long long while.

ok .. let me think this out... write it out..

its just been this afternoon that I've fallen into this state. its not like its been days or weeks.. maybe i just need to have a good cry.. what's there beneath... where is this coming from... where is my pain.

feels like grief... i think that's it.. its not really loneliness ...its grief... seeing death once again my aunt.. laying there gasping her last breaths.. and me holding her hand watching her spirit leave her body..it made me feel..makes me feel my own mortality.. reminds me of my husbands death... takes me to that place i felt so lonely and afraid. i held his hand too.. in his last moments of consciousness.

its just the grief that i need to walk through once again... I've been so busy , had so many around me.. i didn't allow it to come and pass through. i kept pushing it down... now that I'm home .. safe.. and alone... it comes bubbling up...

deep breaths... deep breaths..

that's why my chest was hurting all day... same as after my husband passed. my body feels grief there..

its not about being lonely or unrequited love... but that is the place i always start at... my pain seems to go there first... its the most easy to get to.

ok... ill be ok... i just have to go down into the valley to feel my pain.

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