2006-05-09 - 7:27 AM

ive been thinking about this joy i feel.
its not about a man. though there is a man. we are not in a relationship or dating or anything more than close friends. this joy is about me and nothing to do with anyone else. i like that a lot. it feels like its completly mine. coming from somewhere deep in me.

for a person who has suffered from major depression and PTSD for many many years this is huge. all the old reasons for depression seem to be fading .. loneliness, fears, appearance. not that any of those things are fixed.. im still alone.. i still have fears.. i still am not conventionally beautiful. im still me. but there is an acceptance of myself ive never known before. a gentleness and love for who i am.. a forgiveness toward this body that holds this person i am.

is this age..maturity.. or have i finally found myself grounded and balanced for the first time in my life on the other side of therapy.

i remember thinking if someone would only love me everything would be fine...or if i lost X amount of weight all the world would be as it should be.. there was something in me that felt that my life had not begun yet because i wasn't perfect enough for it yet.

i didn't write because i was afraid i didn't have anything to say or i was afraid to write what i did want to say for fear someone would not like it. i was afraid to paint because i didn't think it would be beautiful or i didn't think i had time or the right place or it would be too messy and someone wouldn't like that. i didn't take time for doing the things i loved because i thought i had to take care of everyone else first or i was selfish. i had to do everything that needed to be done or i was lazy. life was passing me by while i struggled to be perfect to begin to live.

my life still isn't perfect .. im still the same imperfect woman ive always been ... but my dialog with myself is different... i don't feel those gaping holes and wounds from the past. they feel healed and inside feels clear and clean.

i know it doesn't mean i won't ever feel depressed again or i won't ever feel hurt again.. i might be that way next week. and since im brave enough to love the possiblity is there to be hurt. i feel strong enough to say im not afraid of that anymore. for right now i feel content and happy with myself, with my life and those are huge things for me.

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