2006-03-29 - 1:36 PM

depression .. im in the middle of it once again. i spent the last few hours in bed. numb. i was up in the early morning taking care of fawn. taking her to school. i have a package ready to mail to my son. i sorted 10 bags of cloths yesterday looking for warm things he might need and tossing things that are unwanted. i made a list of things needed at the store. but here i sit doing nothing more. my brain tired from trying to analyze it. trying to find solutions to things i don't even know the questions of yet. im questioning my sanity today.
the dreams and voices that i have had faith in ... i wonder and question today. i have been so sure of a few things and clinging to that certainty.
and all thats been shaken .. ive been in an emotional earthquake. and im looking at the rubble and ashes wondering where my life is now.. the foundation is even gone .. what to build on .. and if to even try to build anything again. ive thought of death and finally there being no pain left to carry. but i am too strong to be that weak.

why do i want to live another day...
my children of course
just for the sake of seeing tomorrow
finishing my books
creating the art in my head
perhaps love

no i don't want to ever open that door again. every time i do it brings nothing inside but pain.
its a horrible door that looks so pretty on the outside. a hopeful door that could lead anywhere but doesn't.

�

�