2006-01-15 - 5:57 PM

good morning starshine.. the earth says hello


i suppose you know where that lyric line came from?

yoshi is eating his breakfast.. i threw in some left over sticky rice and he thinks he is in heaven

im having my first cup of coffee blonde and sweet like me

did i tell you im letting my hair grow out so i can see my natural color again. its lighter than i remember.. much more gray but evenly distributed..

i like to live moderately and not live beyond my means. so many people running after material things.. sure those things are nice , but its not why we live or the end all to existence.

my son seemed down yesterday when i talked to him... he didn't get the financial aid that he applied for.. he had to use my 2004 tax return and i made a lot of money that year.. when he can reapply using my tax return from last year i have no doubt that he will qualify then. so he may just have to wait until the fall. he was sure bummed out..then i think that was a house of cards that just sent him down ..he is so hard on himself.. and i realized that i prob didn't teach him how to love himself... i didn't know how to do that till i started therapy... so how could i teach something i didn't know.. but im teaching him now.
he's more alone than he ever has been before... looking at himself harder than ever before too... he doesn't like some things he sees.. he says he doesn't want to go out and interact with other people much.. but when he was here he was out doing just that. i don't know.. i just think that he's at a point in his life where he needs to do this... look inward and evaluate .. those times are needed.. 21 is a big turning point. we talked alot about self-talk and nurturing that person inside.. comforting ourselves seems to be a hard lesson to learn. im 50 and still learning how to do that.


50.. that sounds so old... but i know women in my family mostly live into their 80's.. so i could have another 30 years ... i see myself with long gray hair all curly and flying loose.. in long smocks with paint, all over them paint on my wrinkled face and hands.. intent in front of a canvas. ive seen that vision many times..

i see my face grow older almost every day a new line.. or spot. my hands seem to get more character every day too.
what do i need to care about appearances.. i am who i am and i welcome what is to come.. a time for me when i lose concern for those thoughts. i am no longer a young woman trying to find a mate.. no longer a young woman needing approval... i am no longer young... i want to embrace who i am now.. wrap my arms around this aging body with acceptance and forgiveness. when all that matters to me is the paint and the vision on the canvas. not how i look or who might look at me or what they might see. i will just be me.. nothing more. nothing less.

and that will become a poem.. how many poems have come from my letters to you.... see this is what i am grateful for as i write to you .. think of you.. my thoughts just go to those places they need to go to.. how can i explain how much knowing you has meant to me.. you see the pain you have brought me... and i see all the sweet words and the sweet caring where you let me just be myself and let the words come out.. and no ones ever given me that gift before of listening.. from the time i was little through all my life men have told me to be quiet or shut up.. and now i find im just sobbing about how sweet you are to listen.


i had a strange dream last night... a big house full of old furniture and there were people taking some of the furniture away. i was upset about it but others there telling me i had to . mean people fighting about things around me.. i felt lost in that big house with no ally or friend .. just these awful people around me.. it was a scary dream. i didn't know any of the people either.

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