2005-09-27 - 1:07 PM

when i lived with fire dragon, one of the things i remember most and the hardest to heal, is the "waiting for the shoe to drop syndrome". anyone who's lived with an abuser knows what i mean. it's like riding the coaster. you do become use to and numb to the ride. i would realize that it had been a few weeks of fake peace... that walking on eggs quiet... where you make everything perfect every day trying to not give any reason for a reaction. you know that it's not going to last. that the day will come when everything is not perfect. when he will find that one thing you didn't do or that one thing that you did do that was wrong. if that doesn't happen he will create some crisis and it will be your fault. i would know also that even if it wasn't my fault, it would not matter. it would still be something that i would have to stop my world for and fix. it would not stop the shoe from falling down. it would not stop the beating or the yelling or the words that cut and leave you bleeding, broken, hiding and begging. the thing im trying to say here is: even after all that is gone and i know ive moved on beyond that place. there is still that waiting for the shoe to drop. in my world there will probably always be a shoe hanging over me. when i feel great and all is well, i start looking for that shoe.

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