2005-09-25 - 1:50 PM

early in the week i started feeling depressed. sad that ive not heard from lion in almost a month. depressed from all the suffering on the news. i just had to stop watching. worried about and missing my son who is in chicago. worried about my finances. im taking time off from work for healing. im building a studio on the back of my house so i can have a place to paint. everyone thinks ive lost my mind doing what im doing.



two years ago when my husband died, i was working full time, long hours. 2 months after that i changed jobs moving up into management. i didn't take time for grief. i thought a new job would be a distraction. everyone told me it was the best thing for me to do. as my therapy progressed i realized i was just stumbling through the days. trying to give 100% at a job that i normally would have loved but realizing that i was not giving enough to satisfy myself. my boss seemed to think i walked on water. then i was laid off along with everyone in the shop. my third layoff in a year.



i met caribou during that time and after a few month fling he left me. saying he could not handle my emotions. i thought i could be naked with him.
but he was too weak to be a rock for me. the last day i talked to him on the phone was his birthday. i had sent him gifts. that day i had been to the job center for orientation. a man fell over and died right in front of me. his breathing and color were the same as my husbands. i knew he was having a heart attack. everyone else seemed to be moving in slow motion. then the firemen arrived and they were the same that came to my house that morning. i left there in shock and feeling like i was moving in thick mud. i cried all afternoon when i got home. when he called me i was still crying.
that was thursday and i didn't hear from him again till monday when i received a dear mary email. it was then i woke up to the fact that he was not who i thought he was. that he was a child unable to stand with me.



between therapy and that break up and being laid off and my husbands death.
i realized that i needed a break. so for the past year ive stayed home and taken care of myself.i've turned down jobs offered. i've turned down sex offered. ive gone to therapy and felt my grief. i've processed my pain. ive been working my whole life, putting everyone else before me. putting off doing what i really loved; painting ,art and writing. the men ive been with have only been interested in the money i could bring home,or the sex i could give, or the maid i could be.... not whether i was happy. complaining if i spent time painting or writing. finally i'm in a place of peace.. i'm in a place where i do what i want to do. answer to no one else. finally i can pursue my spiritual path without judgement. finally i can pursue my art , my writing, my heart. and i won't let old fears keep me from doing just that.

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