2005-08-28 - 8:34 a.m.

dear silent one,

my son just left for chicago this morning
and here i sit at the computer crying.
crying because it will be a while before i see him again.
crying because i wonder if i did everything i could to be a good mother.. if i taught him enough or even the right things.
crying because i have these secret fears that hes gone because of me somehow.
how silly is that.. why do i always try to take on the blame for things.. after all this therapy i know better.. i know the lies i tell myself now.. i recognize them. but then i hear this small voice saying its not completely silly. was i too protective , too involved.. too anything.. and i know the answer is no. but still i have this nagging voice in my head.. the tape that has played over and over in my head all my life.. at least i know its a tape now.. and its not a real voice only the past haunting me.. and i know how to talk to myself and make it stop

i wonder if i love too much... can you love too much?
i never used to think so...but i do now.. i know that its possible to give more than you should. i know you can smother and hold back... but i was never like that. though i bet he might say i was... but he never had to live with my parents back in the day... before my brother came.. before they changed and relaxed in life some. maybe every mother looks back on the past.. when her child leaves .

i should be glad he has the courage to leave...maybe i should be more aware of the independence i've taught him. to want to fly and be on his own.. to want to travel and see what there is to see. i made him think for himself.. and make his choices..to not be afraid to fail and now i cry and wonder about my own choices.. second guess myself when i know ... i know ... i did the best i could.. i know i gave all i knew how to give. taught all i knew how to teach... and in the end... it is his choice..what to do with all... how to make his mark on the world.. hes a man


i feel such mixed feelings this morning.
i wish i could hear your voice..
i wish i could just go back to bed and find you there sleeping and lay close to you ...

as always,
minet

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