2005-09-24 - 7:13 PM

saturday morning i went to do meditation with the group in the yurt.it was interesting to see how others meditate. i still don't understand all the preparations and hand movements or the need for mantras or so much organization around meditation but I'm open to learn. so many things i don't know and deep down i am thinking the only thing that matters is the state of your heart.

we are asked what we want to do this day. so i say i'd like to journey with someone. the oldest lady there is 70 with white hair and the body of the Buddha. she has wonderful eyes and i have watched her from a distance as i have most everyone...

Fox says i have the art of invisibility and can only be seen if i wish it. this i have known for a long time. she like my other closest friends always seem amused with this. they seem to occasionally grab others and point at me and make some comment about my wisdom or silence or beauty or what ever and the person they are talking to looks at me as though they see me for the first time.

Fox seems to derive great pleasure from my quietness and un-needy spirit. she has asked if she can crash in my tent tonight. saying that she just wants to be some place peaceful.

the Buddha lady, i see her alone near the doorway to the labyrinth. we are waiting for everyone to gather for the hike. i ask her where she is going and she smiles and says for some quiet, the others are great talkers. part of the weekends lessons seems to be learning how to shut them out. the fixers and talkers. anyway...........

i ask her if i may journey with her while we are on the hike. she seems happy that i asked and said she would love to.

i am wondering about my feelings at the stupa and the male energy. so after meditation and breakfast. we are all about ready to leave for the hike. i am walking the circle around the labyrinth thinking and i notice a small Buddha statue on the window of his temple room
and i hear a voice say... "honor me,take me with you" thats silly i think but i do it anyway. i put him in my pack and i feel good instantly. i know i have found my own way to honor the male energy.

we reach the trail head form a circle and we do a ritual of the goddess. each of us standing on this large rock and there is a pile of drapes of the different colors of the chakra each of us has our picture taken with the drape color of our choice. I'm not sure i understand this ritual.

we are divided into pairs. i am put with someone other than the Buddha lady. i think well maybe spirit has other plans. so as we walk, i see the Buddha woman with Fox's helper they are the last pair walking,they are behind us.

I'm not real sure how things happened but somehow i end up with the Buddha lady i had asked to journey with. i really did nothing but follow a quiet path of walking and its amazing how things just unfold the way they are meant to be. it always confirms what i have been told already. i should trust my own inner voice by now. maybe someday i will have no doubts.

she and i spend a lovely day walking and observing and enjoying each others quiet spirits. she chose a spot where there was an island in the middle of the creek and we stepped on some rocks to get there. each of us had a rock to sit on facing each other. we closed our eyes and what happened after was amazing.

i could feel the creek flowing on either side of us and smell the moss and earth. felt the breeze and heard the birds. then took myself to that place that the shaman taught me. my jumping off place to journey. i saw myself walking in that meadow and there was a tepee. which i had never seen before. i went inside and the Buddha lady was there. we went into a tunnel and down into the ground. there was another darker forest there with a creek and meadow. i see my deer greet me licking and rubbing against me as he always does and i wonder why he is here. all around me are butterfly's. then i hear the Buddha ladys voice calling me back.

she asked me what i saw. so i told her about the journey and im surprised but not really surprised that she said she saw the same thing.

she didn't know what the small animal was that was licking me and rubbing against me. she said she had never seen a baby animal in any journey ever and was amazed at his affection for me. she said its unusual for a female to have a male buck as a totem and most unusual for a totem to be a baby.

she said she saw no butterfly's but instead saw a blue bird. she felt that she was to give me the blue bird as a new totem and i told her that i thought the butterfly's were for her. she smiled but i don't think she really believed at that moment that they were.

it made me so excited to know someone else had seen my little fawn totem and had seen how he plays with me and loves me. what a joy that was for me.

as we hiked together, the butterfly's were all around her...all day landing on her shoulder, sitting in the middle of the path, fluttering all around her, sitting on a log next to her. i know they were trying to get her attention....finally at the end of the hike. she looked at me and said she would accept the butterfly and thanked me...it felt a great honor to give a totem to such an old spirit. she also thanked me over and over for such a lovely. peaceful day. told me she had not talked so much in a long time and told me i was a good listener.

i dipped the Buddha into the creek every time i was close enough and i sat him on many rocks to enjoy the view... i felt really good about honoring the male energy with him that day. i placed him back on his window perch when we returned to the sancuary house. im sure i saw him smiling as i left him there.

it was a happy hike and i felt like a child exploring and letting the day unfold without trying to make anything go as i wanted. but just letting it unfold like i feel when i paint.

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