2007-03-06 - 12:26 PM

panic attacks...

i have been having them frequently. i am in the middle of one now as i write. hoping it will withdraw as i write it out. for me they mimic heart attack symptoms. i have had them since my husband died of a heart attack in 2003. i have had my heart cked and cked in the several times i went to the er in the months following his death. the only thing they diagnosed me with was acid reflux. so i have been on prilosec or nexium since then. still the attacks come and i panic with the symptoms and as i panic the symptoms get worse. until i can find a way to relax. meditation works quite often and so does calling a friend to talk. sometimes writing helps. the one today has been going on for about an hour now. sometimes if i can source out the root of whatever fear is working in me then they dissipate like fog in sun.
the most recent ones i think are related to my mother having thyroid cancer and going through this radioactive iodine treatment. my fears of losing her all wound up and bringing on attacks just like the ones i had a while ago about yoshi dieing. i think i fear loss and death. though i have survived much loss and death. my own illnesses and i am a very strong person. still these panic attacks i wish i could get rid of them. thoughts of maybe needing more therapy have been rolling around in my mind lately. but i manage to work my way through things on my own still. i think i will go take a hot shower and then meditate some. i don't know if it will take away this lost feeling i have been carrying around for a few weeks.

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