2007-02-16 - 3:35 AM

i can not seem to get warm this morning..working here at the computer and finishing up my taxes. making lists and phone calls. paying bills. Yoshi keeps wanting me to let him in and out.. he has been eating snow. now he's finally asleep on the wood floor near my feet. i need to go find my moccasins.. there that's better... i put on some decaf coffee too. i will see how that settles on this temperamental tummy of mine. maybe it will warm me up some.

i began this early this morning and saved it till now...i have spent several hours lost in painting since then. it was wonderful lost in my own work..i have the background very much like i want it now and the hair is right too.. all that seems left is to add more paint to the image and increase the shadows there. do something about the left arm extension and that will be it .. i think. i wonder about putting a lyre there in that arm.. but it was not in the dream, so i will ponder that a while..

some other thoughts this day............

i have focused very hard for many years on healing my inner soul and i feel i have found myself again.. found that healing i sought so hard to gain. when i look in my eyes i see my own soul again... she is happy and content living pure like she did when she was young.. that feels very good.
i feel very whole these days... though not without my days of some depression or anxiety.. but those feel like normal off days... not like before.

i don't recognize this body i am inside.
when i look in the mirror the face that is there is lost in the weight i carry... my eyes hidden in dark rings and my cheeks swollen. my daughter never has known me anyway but this.
i have a longing for that body i had before waterdragon.. before firedragon..oh, not a young firm body.. not thin.. i have never been thin, but just to see my face as i see it in my visions..the longing is not to please anyone, any man.. but for me. finally my body is my own. there is no one telling me how i shall look and that pleases me very much. i can be what i want.

it will be very difficult given my adrenal adenoma and my diabetes. but i am determined to find my old self in my body too. to gain back lost energy and let out that girl that loves to hike in the woods. i have my diabetes under good control and i no longer have to take meal time insulin. just the pills and one nighttime shot. though now i have to watch carefully that my sugar doesn't drop too low. it will make what i plan to do much harder, but i am certain i can find a happy place in my body too. i think i will feel better and maybe heal this body too. nothing i can do about the adrenal adenoma, but just deal with it. it's not life threatening and without the huge stresses in my life
those pains have not been with me in so long i have almost forgotten how much pain i did live in.

past relationships were a terrible stress on me. i think maybe i would have died if waterdragon had not...there was a time i look back on, that i know i was emotionally and near physically dead. i can see it in the eyes of photographs.
relationships why do they have to drain us so... why can't it be something that lifts us up and gives hope and healing.
forgiveness and comfort

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