2009-07-15 - 1:42 PM

dear lion,

i think i have been searching for my duende for a long time. perhaps i have found it finally. my own dark power.. the force that boils up from my toes.. the power from within that was crushed when i was just a girl.. my own masuline power.. the ability to stand alone.. the ability to say no..

my last therapy session was a closing of some very difficult emdr around my father and the rape. both separate events but very much tied together. the struggle of power and control .. of being a victim. of being able to find that powerful aggressive part of me. the masculine that i have denied for so long.

regardless of my moontime emotions.. i am very peaceful and settled inside. many things are resolved and whole now.

i have no excuses left. now i will do my work.. whatever that is meant to be.

soon i will be in college again.. that will bring lots of changes.. no longer a hermit seeking herself.... but a voyager

i still love you.. i still don't know what that means to me.. it is what it is..and i am not going to beat myself up for feeling some pieces of jealousy of your newest "penpal". its normal.. i probably wouldn't feel that if i didn't love you.. but its not an insane feeling or an obsession.. its just an ache and a sigh... perhaps words to come sometime in prose or poems... feelings to cherish and abide...... i imagine for a long time..
guess time will tell what comes of it all.

i am going to let the artist paint me. i am sending him some of the photos i took for you. he says if he sells another one of his paintings he will come here to paint me in person.
but for now its just in photos.. i have been thinking about this for a long while. going back and forth in my head..i told him no of course 2 years ago when he asked then..i think the last therapy gave me some new sort of internal freedom. but in the end i think i decided that it would be something special, important to see a painting of a large beautiful woman.. something real and not pretend.. something other curvy women would look at and feel comforted in seeing themselves there. their own normalcy and their own natural sexuality. beauty isn't just a size 0. besides no one needs to know who is in the painting.. i will just be an anonymous woman who lives in his colors. sort of like the random beautiful curvy women in renoir's work.....and i think i like that...

i have a lot of work to do ... i don't want you to think i have forgotten you if i don't write as much.. for the past 5 years i have poured out my heart and soul to you. perhaps it is time to not give you so much of me. i don't know... i will have to ponder on this more.. when i love i give all of myself into it..as i am sure you have felt that for a long time. now perhaps i should make space for you to decide what you really want.

we are moving into a new phase .. what ever that will be.. i know i want you in my life...
i guess we will have to chip away at the path to find where our feet should go.

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